she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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