It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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