Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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