It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
