So drunk its hurt
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
