I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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