he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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