Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
