It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
