Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
