Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
