Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
