all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
what day is it and did you see me today?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
