somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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