That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
