my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
