Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My penis needs a shock collar
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Randomize
