I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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