hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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