I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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