I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
