One girl and one boy is just not enough.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
