Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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