So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
