Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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