Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
