there's paper in my vomit.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
