I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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