She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I will be naked everywhere
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
