I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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