So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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