you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
