I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize