i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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