I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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