I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
