I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
