I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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