i think i scared a bird with my dick
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
