Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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