So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Im part way to drunk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
