I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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