i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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