I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
