I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
