In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
