If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
