I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
