you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
