if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
